Talk Nerdy To Me
by BekTehGreat
Summary: Kirk has an old shirt that he just found. He figures it may be useful in his plans to get the attention of a certain Vulcan half. Spock/Kirk. CRAAAAAAAAAAAACK XD


**This is absolute full on cracky crack.  
The idea randomly came to me while I was on ThinkGeek... so of course I couldn't control myself XD  
Hope you like it!**

**WARNING!!! this be a slash! don't like, then GTFO  
and also I curse, so those completely pass by me in the crappy excuse of a process I call proofreading. So... yeah. Woops.  
If you think this should be rated higher, just tell me and I'll do it =D  
****  
I don't own anything but the idea to this story (and soon, the tee mentioned in this story)**

"Dear lord Jim."

"What?"

"You aren't seriously going to wear that. You were just showing me that you somehow found it in the mess that is your room."

"We _are_ on shore leave right?"

McCoy put a hand to his temples. He looked at his friend again and commenced to rub the slight pain he got every time he saw the captain do something stupid. He knew he did a lot to get what he wanted but this...

"Jim, this may be the most desperate attempt you have made to date."

"To date, yes it is. I have something planned after this though. That is _far_ more desperate, but my point will come across loud and clear." He cracked one of his famous grins. "It even has an awesome name. Wanna hear it?"

"Please no." McCoy said. He looked back at Kirks attire. "This never worked in the academy. And there were some idiots there. What makes you think this will work on-"

"I _did_ work in the academy. It works because it's clear, honest and of course, tight."

"You are the very definition of a man whore with that statement."

"I...can't argue that. But I still resent it." He turned around. "Besides, you already know by now that this time, it's different."

"Yeah, yeah. I'm still trying to block out all the lovely images you gave me."

"Hey! I stopped when you finally told me 'I'm a doctor, not a living diary'."

McCoy glared at the man. "No you didn't. You stopped when I pulled out the hypo-spray."

"Meh." Kirk shrugged, walking toward the door. "You coming? There's plenty of people here and I need you in case, well." he trailed off, looking at the doctor with impossibly big blue eyes.

McCoy sighed and nodded in defeat, walking after the practically skipping captain.

* * *

It was a small bar, most of the Enterprise crew crowded around tiny round tables that were just big enough to fit their drinks. It was dimly lit, perfect for keeping the corners dark and hidden with just enough light to put those in the center in a bit of a spot light. Which is precisely where Kirk wanted to be.

Most of they eyes floated to him, a few people giggling slightly while others just stared in disbelief. Bones followed silently, trying to look like he hadn't come in with the overconfident blond. That fell to shit when he heard "Hey Bones! Look! A table for us!"

He looked up and saw a table with Uhura, Chekov, Sulu and Spock.

_I don't even _want_ to know what can be more desperate..._

The table looked up at the loud captain, all (excluding Spock) looking completely and utterly shocked. Sulu then started chuckling to himself, not being able to contain his amusement. Uhura's look changed from shock to 'he really is an idiot'. And Chekov... well he was in silent innocent horror.

Spock however cocked his eyebrow, something that he always did and that Kirk always interpreted differently even though he couldn't get anything from it whatsoever.

"Hey! Everyone enjoying themselves?" Kirk said, huge smile taking up his entire face.

Chekov closed his mouth and swallowed, his eyes searching for comfort in Sulu, who was failing miserably at stifling his laughter.

"Bones? Are these guys still alive? What's going on?"

"Well Captain, it appears that your... attire... has everyone in a state of a shock."

Kirk looked at Spock, his smile turning into a devious smirk. "What about my attire, Mr. Spock?"

"Well... it appears to be extremely form fitting. And there is an obvious underlying pun as to what is written on the shirt that is mostly noticeable because _you_ are the one wearing it."

"Well," Kirk said, shamelessly leaning over the table. "It _is_ a true statement."

"Wouldn't you find it a bit more appropriate to change into something that you haven't grown out of?"

Kirk rolled his eyes and stood back up, mumbling under his breath that he was going to get a drink.

Once he was out of earshot, Sulu began laughing uncontrollably as Chekov put his face in his hands and muttered something in Russian. He got up and walked to the bar behind the captain. McCoy looked at Spock.

"Spock, please tell me that I don't have to spell this one out for you. Please tell me that you know Jim well enough to know _exactly_ what he's getting at."

Spock looked over at Kirk. "Doctor, I'm surprised that you have doubted my knowledge about the Captains behavior."

McCoy looked up in disbelief. "You mean you _knew_ about this?"

"If you are implying that I knew how he felt about me, then yes. I did."

Bones rubbed his head with one hand. "Then... do you know what he's been _doing_ to me? Why didn't you do something before _that_!" He made wide hand gestures in Kirks direction.

"I found that it would be illogical to start anything with him, as it might distract him and affect how he ran the Enterprise in a negative way." He looked over at the man at the bar. "However, I do believe that this chase is distracting him far more than anything else will. And it is _obviously_ clouding his judgment."

"He didn't have a sound judgment from the beginning." Uhura mumbled.

Chekov ran over from the bar. "Um... the Keptin has gone back to the Enterprise. He said something about 'Operation Mind Fuck'"

"Jesus Christ." Bones muttered.

Spock stood up.

"Where are you going?" Uhura asked.

"Well... to comply with the tee-shirts demands." he said simply as he walked off.

* * *

"BONES!"

"Jim. Get out."

"But I need to put in my final diary entry."

"Jim. Get. Out."

"At least _look_ at me."

Bones sighed, turning very slowly to look at the captain. _He should have known..._

"Jim... please leave it up to my imagination."

Kirk smiled, his neck filled with little purple marks and it took all of the doctors energy to keep himself from thinking were else his friend was painted purple.

"He came into my room as I was in the process of brainstorming for my first move in my next plan. He just started rambling off random facts about god knows what because his eyes were so damn human and dark."

Bones groaned and pulled out a flask.

"And when I questioned him, he said he was 'complying with the shirt's demands' and then we started-"

Bones looked up with a pained expression.

"Well fine. I won't say any more." He went to walk out of the room and stopped at the doorway. "Green is _hot_."

"Jim!"

"And you said my shirt wouldn't work..."

"I'm sorry, but how was I supposed to know that someone like Spock would go for a man wearing a shirt that clearly only fit _before_ he started working out with the words 'Talk Nerdy to Me' printed across the chest."

Kirk smirked. "Told you it would work. Over and over and over..."

"Jim... get out..."

* * *

**Kay! Done! Hope yall enjoyed reading as much as I did writing XD  
3 Mini-J ^-^**


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